Saturday, January 31, 2009

I want to BINGE

I really really really want to binge.

Seriously.  Binge on all things bad.  I've tried to binge on all things good but this is how sick my brain is.  I'm not getting that lethargic, bloated, "why oh why did I do this" feeling.  

My meals are tasty, fantastic and I feel so full of energy.  I don't get it.

For those of you who've not had this desire to just eat everything in sight (I call it  "Hoover mode".  You vacuum up everything.) you won't understand.  I don't need the "this will pass" lecture.  I know it will.
"But you're doing everything right."  Yes.  I know.
"You're accomplishing so much!"  Yes.  I know.
"You're healing your body!"  Yes.  I know.
But I still want to eat bad things.  
Go thru a drive-thru & eat tasteless food.  Then go to a 2nd one & eat even more. Find all of Mr T'dot's chocolate stashes and eat all of that.  
But I won't do it.  I can't do it.  Doing it will start the death process all over again.  Slowly killing myself with food.  Slowly putting the weight back on, eating all my allergy food and not loving my self the way I should.  
I know everything I'm suppose to do.  And I will continue to do the things I'm suppose to do.  Just right this moment I....WANT....TO..... BINGE!!!!!!
Here's two challenges this week.
#1.  Our french friend is staying the weekend.  She's coming today.  She stays with us about once or twice a month.  She's a very close and wonderful friend.  But she doesn't understand my issues with food.  
I don't know if it's a french thing or if it's just her.
"You want to lose weight?  Quit eating!"
She always brings an amazing dessert and a great bottle of wine.  "Just a little bit won't hurt you."
Yes, it will.
Like most of my friends & family she doesn't know if I'm on the food wagon or off.  She's dealt with both.  She's seen me be on the wagon & cheat.   
Mr T'dots said to me "I'm so not interested in bread or wine.  This is easy."
Wow.  This is easy. 

#2.  Super Hero Super BOWLing party tomorrow.
We're dressing up in Super Hero costumes (I have no clue what I'm wearing.  I just know I'll be making a cape today.) and going bowling.  
There's a huge group of us and I know food and drink will be there.  
I think I'll grab Mr T'dot's philosophy of "This is easy".
This is easy.
This is easy.
This is easy!
12:12 pm Friday
Mirror on outside of dressing room.
I had been marking down hats & thought that wouldn't be all that interesting.  I had just put away the last hat when the alarm went off.  I loved the little top hat I was wearing so I thought I'd take a picture of my top hat.
The mirror has an amazing mosaic around it done by an artist out of Vancouver, WA.  It's hard to see it because of the reflection of the stuff around the mirror.


vegas_chic said...

OMG, how I hate that feeling. The little voice keeps saying "oh, you'll feel so much better, so calm, so relaxed if you just sit in front of the television and eat 2 lbs. of chocolate peanut butter malt balls". Or that pint of ice cream.

Even when I know how much being overweight has negatively affected my life, somehow at that moment it doesn't matter (which is interesting you brought this up now since I'd planned to blog something similar tonight).

This is easy
This is easy
This is easy.

Losing Waist! said...

That is an amazing mirror! I do a bit of artish stuff myself and it makes my "art heart" go pitter-patter.

I think that you accomplished something that you don't even realized.... PRE-BINGE CONFESSION! I know the thing I struggle with the most is stopping the snowball binge want when it starts... You did great today!