Wednesday, January 21, 2009

My Onion peeling

Ok.  Here's the deal.

I'm fat. 

Honestly that's not a surprise but to me it's hard to face.  I don't feel comfortable in my skin.  I don't feel comfortable in my environment. I don't feel comfortable around others.  I force myself at times to be sociable.  If you were to meet me in person you'd be surprised that I have these feelings.

Most of my friends are thin.  I see those shows on TV about fat women bonding together and losing weight together.  "We got fat together, we're going to get skinny together."  That's never ever going to happen with my friends.  I weigh about 90-100 pounds more than my 3 closest friends.  

I'm extremely active for a woman of my size.  I've got great rhythm and hate to leave a dance floor.  As much as I love Steve I've given in to the idea that he just has white man's rhythm.  He tries really really  hard to keep up with me on the dance floor but usually I just ditch him & dance either with my friends or by myself.  I'm constantly dancing in the store & will make customers dance with me.

I hike, bike ride and walk.  

But I'm still fat.

I don't feel sexy at all.  I've never been a girly girl feminine person.  I don't wear make up, do my nails and my hair is pretty much thrown back in a pony tail.  

I'm into fashion but don't dress that way.  (I'm LOVING Michelle Obama with her clothing choices.  It's soooo fantastic to have fashion back in the White House.)  I can dress a mannequin, customers, friends but still stand in front of my closet in a quandary of what to wear. 

I never thought at 48 I'd be one of those people who say "I've struggled with my weight my whole life."  Why does it have to be a struggle??  Why can't it be a success?  I want to say "I've been a success with my weight my whole life".  

People who've seen me lose 115 pounds and then gain 50 of it back I'm sure are thinking "she was doing so great".   They're probably not.  It's just my own insecurities.

I've been successful with my food for the past 2.5 weeks.  
I am successful with my food.
I am successful with my food.
I am successful with my food.
I am successful with my weight.
I am successful with my weight.
I am successful with my weight.

I am successful.

12:12 pm

Making rice cake & hummus.


Katschi (Karen) said...

First of all....
We are sisters in feelings for sure.
You know to keep it in perspective...we would've been the IT girls just a few centuries ago.
Zaftig. Desirable. Sexy.
Sad that this cannot still be true today. Because we hate ourselves for it and that's awful.
We're the same age!!!
You don't look it. I'da never guessed.
I got this message in my inbox today ~~ say to yourself...I would look fantastic 50 lbs lighter. I guess it's supposed to project into the future in a positive light as opposed to saying I'm fat which is negative talk and doesn't make you feel good.
Have you made a vison board reflecting this?

teri said...

Damn it- you are perfectly Lauren! There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are active, you eat right, you love completely. You are not fat, just not the same image of the soulless stick fiqures America choses to flaunt at us. Karens right, 100 years ago, you would be the most diserable woman in the village.

You mentioned Michelle Obama, she is size 14! She's all woman-like you & perfect- like you. I've always believed in perfectly Lauren and you NEED to too!

People who have to be crained out of their houses are fat, not you. Look in the mirror and see what we see. Perfectly Lauren.

Love your not fat, but extrmely voulupous friend - Teri

meandww said...

We are all guilty of it. Speak so nicely to everyone else, but to ourselves...
I bet your husband would disagree with a lot of what you said.

I like how you ended the post though! positive! You are successful and will continue to be.